Back in two weeks!

Yes, I promise.

I seem to have lost a day.

I suspect it was a Wednesday though I can't be sure.

Is Ronald Reagan Dead????

Jeez, they kept that quiet.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Due to a complete lack of appreciation and cash rewards I will stop blogging forever at the end of this sentence.

Edit: Due to overwhelming public demand (and the Hello Kitty sandwich oven thrown in to sweeten the deal) I have deigned to return as your blogmaster. I will just never ever ever blog using vowels again. Fuckin' vowels.

m gng wy fr tw wks s thr wll b n nw psts. pls dn't ht m nd pls kp rdng ths blg bcs rlly nd y ll t vldt m nd gv m sns f slf-wrth. prmse wll b bck n tw wks. cld nvr rlly lv y snkms. Y knw lv y. Tk cr, my swt rsy-chkd chrb. 'll nvr frgt y.

Hanging on the telephone

I just spoke to my friend I. in London. He told me that when recently in Norway he ate a moose. Except he called it an elk. Which reminded me that my friend R, when recently in Peru, ate a guinea pig. An entire guinea pig with a face, and a tail, and a wife guinea pig sitting at home worrying herself silly. Which brings me to the only logical conclusion that can possibly be made: All of my friends are vampires.

Which explains the fangs, blood drinking and aversion to sunlight but not why nobody else can see them but me.

Can you believe?

Can you believe that this is how you spell snuffleupagus? I've been pronouncing it wrong all these years! Why didn't anybody say something? To avoid the same shame spiral that I am currently free falling down please click on the following links. Really, you owe it to yourself.

This is the best one. Closely followed by this. I had no idea snuffy was so instrumental in the fight against pedophilia. This is sad but I suppose inevitable. Mr Snuffleupagus' myspace is only really interesting in that it exposes Snuffy as both friends with Richard M. Nixon and as a member of a group called Jack Johnson is a penis.

This is an interesting perspective on snuffleupagus. And by interesting I mean selfish and neurotic.
This probably took more effort then anyone should ever put into a blog but it's all worth it to see Snuffy at Number One.

And if that isn't enough links for you people then I just don't think you'll ever be satisfied. Maybe you just don't want to be happy.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Somebody has commented on my blog! Somebody with the same name as me. The implications of this event are both grave and epochal. And confusing. And frightening. And also kind of neat.

In my experience complex situations such as this can only truly be summed up by a picture of a monkey. Someday, monkeys, someday...

You are getting very sleepy...

This is my attempt at having an early night. It's 4.39am local time. Sigh.

So this is my last post of the day. Please don't kill yourselves in despair. I will return to you upon the golden arcs of the sun's rays. Damn, I'm tired.

I am driving my car at the speed of light and I turn on my headlights. What do I see?

I just went for an after midnight drive with my friend R. I love after midnight drives. They are so spontaneous. One minute you're sitting at your computer, quietly pondering the deepest of life's mysteries and eating chips and the next you're flying along the deserted streets of your own private night time city, hurtling through the vast and encompassing darkness, leaving all of your cares behind you and eating chips.

If you have any other questions you can click here.

Hey! I added a counter!

I'm a frickin genius.

Although, one of the rules of service that I had to agree to was that the counter would not be used for a pornographic site, so there go my plans to fill this puppy with hardcore thundercats porn. Sigh.

Everybody loves good neighbours

The couple in the apartment next to me are attempting to break the world record for the longest and most inane domestic dispute ever had. By my count they're at 6 hours and 40 minutes though I do think they may have finally moved on from endeavouring to determine which of them actually did smoke the last cigarette. I suppose it's just one of those questions that nobody really has an answer for. Like, were Niles and Maxwell Sheffield secretly lovers? Although, I suppose the answer to that would be yes.

Eew, gross.

I wonder...

I wonder how long it will take for someone to post a comment on my blog? Or to read my blog for that matter? I reckon I can go a year with nobody reading it. A whole year of completey uninhibited and self-indulgent postings containing pictures of sandwiches. Ace.

That being said if you want to comment, just a little, I probably wouldn't mind that much. Maybe you could just say something like: "Jarad, this blog is a work of staggering post-modernist literary genius" or, "Jarad, this blog has finally given me a reason to live", or "Jarad, I think this blog is so good I'm gonna make you a sandwich and not just any kind of sandwich but a sandwich of staggering post-modernist genius. With mayo.

Mmmm

I really feel like a sandwich.

And my therapist says

And my therapist says my fear of frogs is irrational.

This is genius

I think http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ is genius. Apparently 50 000 000 people have been there in the last two years but I only just found out about it today (my future as a blogger is not looking bright) and I just had to share it. This is another of my I-must-insist-you- click-on- this-right-now-right-frickin'-now links. When I figure out how I'm gonna add it to one of those lists of blogs that run down down the right hand side of other people's blogs. Some day, Jarad, some day. Enjoy.

And so now I am linking to something. I Think

Hey, here is (hopefully) my very first link. It's awesome. Click on it. Now. Right now.

Is this how you post pictures?

Ok, so now I'm kind of bored.

Isn't a blog supposed to do things? Like be funny? Everyone else's blogs are funny. Well, not everyone. Some people's are just fascinating and thought-provoking insights into the human psyche.

Hmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? Maybe from now on I should give some thought to what I'm putting on my blog instead of just posting for the pure unadulterated thrill of putting shit ON THE INTERNET! I'm drunk with power.

Question: Can I swear on my blog? Maybe should have actually read terms and conditions and not just ticked box in manner of everybody else.

Oh wait, I can make things bold! THIS IS AWESOME!

Okay, if I can figure out how to sign back in to this majigga then maybe I will post something tomorrow as well! I'm sure you are all just wetting yourselves with excitement.

Okay, goodbye new internet friends, wherever you are.

Ha! I can't believe I have a blog!

This was so easy. It took me like five minutes. And Perez Hilton makes it look so hard. If you don't have a blog you should totally get one. Then you can put your thoughts ON THE INTERNET. LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. RIIIIIGHT.....NOW!

Okay, so here is the deal with my blog: IT'S A SECRET. So if you've somehow found it (though I can't imagine how because, quite frankly, I don't really understand how blogs work or where they are exactly? Is it cyberspace? Do people still call it that?) then you CAN'T TELL ANYONE. Because as I may have mentioned: IT'S A SECRET. Ok? No telling anyone, deal? Deal. Done.

I haven't yet decided what unmentionably awful fate will be visited upon those who break this sacred secret pact we've just made but rest assured it will probably be both unmentionable and awful.

Ok, that's it.

And so now I have a blog!

Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blgo (oops, got a bit carried away).